


The Once and Future Platypus - ON HIATUS

by MayaSerena



Series: Of Monotremes and Men [3]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Action/Adventure, Epic Bromance, Espionage, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-27 20:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayaSerena/pseuds/MayaSerena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Shout out to <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4374251">The Great Danville Cold Wars</a></p></blockquote>





	1. A Winter Morning at Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheHighLordOfTerra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHighLordOfTerra/gifts), [EmperorRagdoll](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmperorRagdoll/gifts), [indicognito](https://archiveofourown.org/users/indicognito/gifts).



It was a beautiful January morning in Danville. The air was crisp and clear, the snow that had fallen the previous evening was a pure blanket of white over everything, and being Saturday, everyone was free to go out and play in it.

Everyone except Candace Flynn. She had only one plan:  _to bust her brothers_.

This time, however, she decided to recruit the aid of someone with enough wits and experience to make it actually happen.

She went looking for Perry.

He wasn't anywhere in the house. Acting on an educated guess, Candace opened a small panel on the wall next to the refrigerator and typed in a code. The refrigerator slid forward, revealing a secret elevator behind it. She stepped in and pressed the lower of the two buttons on the inside panel. The refrigerator slid back into place silently.

After a few moments the elevator opened again, revealing a large room dominated by a workstation with a giant screen. There was a very modern-style chair in front of it, and slumped on the red upholstery was the young man Candace sought.

He was channel surfing, pausing every so often to brush his shoulder-length hair – teal with a pure-white streak in it – out of his oval brown eyes. His square jaw was set, and his straight nose flared every now and again as something on the screen amused or annoyed him.

With Perry it was sometimes hard to tell which was which, since he so rarely smiled. That made him all the more interesting to the neighborhood girls. Especially the rank and file of Fireside Girl Troop 46321.

Ever since Dr. Doofenshmirtz had deliberately destroyed the last existing People-Matic, Perry had been in a funk. He was human for good, and he was still having problems dealing with that fact. He also had trouble with the other situations that had come along with it.

His "sister" Terry – a flawed copy of Perry's mind implanted in a purpose-created human chassis – had actually gone over to his nemesis' side. It made Perry question his own mental stability. Worse, Doof had taken in as foster son Peter the (former) Panda, now a boy of twelve. From the look of things, the kid would be Peter Doofenshmirtz before summer rolled around again.

Amazingly, Lawrence and Linda had taken the revelation of his double life – and this new existence of his – in stride. He had been welcome into the Flynn-Fletcher household as practically another son, without question. To those not in the know he was simply Ferb's older half-brother who had come to attend college in Danville.

The teal hair certainly helped the story along.

Perry actually  _had_  enrolled in Danville Community College and would be working on a Criminology degree. He was determined to earn his keep, should the Agency ever renege on their deal with Dr. Doofenshmirtz and fire Perry. The events of the last few months had certainly made that scenario plausible.

The term had yet to start, though. Since Terry and Doofenshmirtz were currently honeymooning in Jamaica, there was nothing much for Perry to do; not until they got back and started on their plans to take over the Tri-State Area, anyway.

Candace had just the thing to keep him busy.

"Oh, there you are, Perry."

"Hi, Candace."

His voice was on the higher end of baritone. It amused Candace no end that tall men like Dr. Doofenshmirtz tended to be in the tenor range, while shorter men like the five-foot-eight Perry usually had deeper voices.

Maybe it was the universe's way of balancing things out.

She stepped closer and asked "What'cha doin'?"

* * *

Isabella suddenly stopped packing snow into the plastic mold in front of her, inhaling sharply.

Phineas noticed and went to her, a look of concern on his face. "What's wrong, Izzy?"

She blinked twice, then said "I felt...  _something_. Probably nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?" He squeezed her hand gently, making her heart flutter. "I don't want anything to happen to you, ever."

She smiled blissfully at him. "I'm sure. Let's get back to work. I still haven't earned this year's Snow Fort Construction patch!"

* * *

Perry sighed inwardly, wondering what Candace wanted. Knowing her, it wouldn't be hard to figure out.

The problem was figuring  _himself_  out. He'd only been human for a couple of months, and it was all very confusing. Having been momentarily fused with his pseudo-twin had made the human condition only slightly less perplexing. Her mind had fought to keep its individuality from his – and succeeded with a minimum of memory spillover.

What  _had_  managed to spill over tended to gross Perry out, especially Terry's memories of kissing Heinz.  _She_  might have enjoyed it, but to the platypus-turned-young man who was her former self, the very concept of kissing someone that way was repellent.

The thought of kissing  _Doofenshmirtz_  – even by proxy – made Perry want to puke.

He managed to repress the foreign memories and replied to Candace's question without taking his eyes off the screen he was no longer really watching. "Not a whole lot... you need something?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. The boys are up to something and I want you to help me bust them!"

Just as Perry had expected. "Do you even  _know_  what they're doing today?"

"It doesn't matter what exactly it is they're doing, it's going to be something over-the-top, as usual!"

"You know, Candace, as long as they're not trying to get me into another ridiculous circus outfit, I don't much  _care_  what Phineas and Ferb are up to today."

"But you  _have_  to help me! It's the only way I can prove to Mom what they're up to!"

Perry rolled his eyes and sighed deeply. "If I go with you and they're not doing anything I consider a bustable offense, will you settle down for the day?"

She clapped her hands in glee. "Yay! Thank you, Perry!" She wrapped her arms around him and planted a kiss on his cheekbone. "I knew I could count on you!"

Candace had warmed up to Perry considerably after he had become human. He figured her improved attitude toward him was because he wasn't a "gross, smelly platypus" any more. That was fine by him. It had made his new life easier, when he though about it; he doubted he could have been able to cope without the support and care of the _entire_  family.

What Perry couldn't understand was why Candace's affection suddenly made him feel like something was fluttering inside him, right where his solar plexus was. Her kisses would probably taste like strawberry drops... and what on God's green Earth had made  _that_  thought come to his mind?


	2. Casualties of the Snowball War

When Candace and Perry made it outside the snow fort was practically finished. Perry gave a low whistle of admiration. Ten feet tall at its highest point, with turrets at each corner and an ice drawbridge, it looked formidable. It could probably withstand gale-force winds and might not melt away until the end of April.

A triangular head crowned by a navy wool cap peered over the wall. "Oh, there you are, Perry and Candace! Do you like our fort?"

"It looks awesome, Phin! What'cha do-"

Perry never finished the sentence. A small, loosely-packed snowball sailed over the wall and smacked right into his mouth, exploding into a cloud of powdery white.

Candace saw Isabella smirk smugly from one of the turrets while Perry spluttered and coughed. Instinct took over and she yelled  _"You guys are so **busted!**  I'm calling Mom!"_

Perry coughed out "D-don't..."

Candace was shocked. "But, but, but, but, Perry... they just made you swallow a snowball!"

He coughed some more. "Yes... Yes... they... did..." He wiped his face clean with a parka sleeve and his eyes narrowed as he looked at her. "Call... but not Mom."

Candace was genuinely confused."What? Then whom  _am_  I calling? And why?"

"Get Stacy, Jeremy, Albert and Coltrane. I know what  _we're_  going to do today."

"And that would be..."

"Start making snowballs, Candace." He turned to the fort where six kids were grinning down at him. "You realize, of course, that this means  _war!_ "

He got pelted with a dozen more snowballs in reply.

Perry turned tail and ran after Candace to prepare for battle.

* * *

The battle for the snow fort was long and hard, lasting almost until sundown.

It fell to Candace to make the third attempt to infiltrate the fortress and capture the flag made from an old red tea towel with a broken-off car antenna as its pole. The besiegers were at a disadvantage, until Perry figured out the defenders' weak point. The rear of the fort was close enough to the house that someone slim enough to get in the narrow space could propel themselves up and get inside.

It would have been easier for her to jump down from an upper-story window, but Perry had vetoed that for two reasons. The first, of course, was safety. He was only seven in calendar years, but both mentally and legally Perry was an adult. He took his responsibilities seriously.

The second reason was simpler. Perry had been raised by Phineas to believe in fair play. Going into the house for anything but snacks or bathroom breaks was tantamount to cheating.

Candace didn't quite agree with that but she was outvoted. Still, she managed to get up the back of the fort easily enough. Her companions were busy flinging a flurry of snowballs to distract the defenders while she slunk along the parapet. Getting up on tiptoe she took the flag from its turret. She came close to falling over and put her hand on the gutter to keep herself steady.

The gentle touch was too much for the layer of snow on the roof – warmed and softened by the bright sun – to keep its delicate equilibrium any longer. A small avalanche slid down, overwhelming Candace, making her lose her balance to land inside the fort and burying her in a large snow pile.

* * *

The flurry of flying and disintegrating snowballs was almost blinding but Perry saw the red rag go down.

"YES!" he cried, "We have your flag!"

Phineas turned and saw the flag was gone. "Hold your fire, troops! We've been outmaneuvered!"

A chorus of "Awww!" greeted this revelation. Phineas turned to his former pet and returned Perry's respectful salute. "Well played, Perry! We'll come out now."

The fort's melting drawbridge went down after a few minutes of effort and Perry the conqueror entered his new domain. It had been fun, really.

Buford's voice cut through his satisfaction. "Dude, the flag wasn't taken! It's back there in a snow pile!"

Isabella looked around and asked "Hey... where's Candace?"

They all looked about. Ferb hit Perry with the back of a hand and pointed at the mounded snow. Perry felt a hand of jagged ice squeeze his heart when he saw a pink snow boot poking out from one end.

"Oh no...  _Candy_!" He ran to the pile and started digging with his hands. The others joined in and they quickly uncovered her.

Her eyes were closed and her lips had already turned slightly blue. Perry tore off his gloves with his teeth and pulled her close, brushing snow away from her face. "Candy... talk to me, Candy!"

Her blue eyes opened. "S-s-s-so c-c-c-c-cold-d-d-d... D-d-d-did we win...?"

Perry almost fainted with relief. "Yeah... we won, thanks to you. Let's get you inside and warm." He lifted her up and carried her all the way to the upstairs bathroom.

Once in the bathroom he stripped her down to her underwear. He was shocked to find that instead of wearing a training bra her chest was tightly bandaged. Once he got the bandage unwound he could see she hadn't sustained any injuries – so why was she wrapped up like that?

Candace was barely responsive so, leaving the questions for later, he stripped to his own shorts and pulled her into the shower with him. It was awkward, getting the water on while keeping her upright, but he managed it. She whimpered when the barely-lukewarm water hit her and clung to him.

Perry called out "Ferb! Get me the ear thermometer. Phin, toss a beach towel in the dryer to warm it up! Where are the others?"

Phineas answered "I sent them home, but Isabella and Stacy are still here. Stacy called her mom."

"Good, can you have Isabella make some cocoa? We have to warm Candy inside as well as outside."

The Fireside Girls' Troop Leader replied "I'm on it!"

Perry turned his attention back to Candace. She was trembling. That was a good sign. He leaned over and carefully increased the water's temperature. Her trembling subsided somewhat and she whimpered "Perry...?"

The soft little sound had an instant effect on Perry. He tried to shift Candace so she wouldn't notice the erection she had accidentally provoked, but she only whimpered again and pressed herself closer. He decided to concentrate on warming her up and think of his own reactions later. He murmured, more for his own benefit than hers, "It's all right, Candy... everything's going to be all right," as he kissed her temple in what he hoped came off as a comforting way.

Stacy stepped in. "I told my mom what happened. She says you're doing it right, and to give her something for the pain from the fall."

"Thanks, Stacy." Perry knew exactly what he was doing but Dr. Hirano's seal of approval made him feel better.

Ferb finally arrived with the thermometer. Perry moved the shower head to the side and motioned for Ferb to take a reading while Perry kept Candace upright, her chest against his to protect her modesty as far as possible. The reading was too low for Perry's liking so he turned the water onto himself and Candace and hiked the temperature again.

"Phineas, did you get that warm towel?"

The triangle-headed boy piped up. "It's right here!"

Perry turned the water away. "Good! Ferb, take another reading." This time it was closer to normal and Perry sighed in relief. "Phin, get her bed ready. Ferb, I need some clothes. Stacy, give me a hand, I'm getting her out now."

Stacy wrapped Candace in the large warm towel and led her to the bedroom. Once they had gone Perry returned to the shower and set the water to a  _much_  colder temperature for a couple of minutes before closing the valve and getting out to dry himself off.

He was  _not_  looking forward to explaining this to their parents.


	3. Some Unpleasant Truths

Linda's reaction upon hearing about Candace's mishap was anything but what Perry had expected.

"Damn it Candace! I am sick and tired of you pulling these ridiculous stunts just to get your brothers into trouble!"

"But Mom –!"

"Don't you 'But Mom,' me young lady!"

Perry entered the room. "Mom, she's telling the truth. I was the one that pulled her out of the snow pile. I had to get her in the shower to warm her up. Stacy's mom said it was the right thing to do."

That enraged Linda even more. "You're involving Perry in your fabrications now? And Dr. Hirano, too! That's just lovely."

Perry was offended. "Are you calling me a liar?"

Linda was apologetic. "I'm sorry, Perry, I truly don't think you're a liar, but you know Candace will do anything to make Phineas and Ferb look like they're the bad guys, including deliberately hurting herself. Or worse." She turned back to her daughter and hissed "Were you going to cry rape again?"

Perry blinked. Again...?

Candace only sobbed softly and withdrew further under the covers.

"Your crocodile tears wont work on me, miss. You are grounded! For six weeks! And you Perry, you should know better than to let Candace of all people sucker you into the shower with her. What if she decided to accuse you of sexual assault?"

What the hell? Why was Linda so hostile toward her daughter?

Linda turned back to Candace. "No iPod, no cell phone, no computer, no television, no after-school anything, no visitors, and except for going to school, food and bathroom use, you will not leave your room. Do I make myself clear?"

Candace murmured "Yes, Mother..."

Her tone of utter hopelessness broke Perry's heart.

 

* * *

 

Shortly before midnight there was a knock on her door. "Candace... let me in, please?"

She opened the door and stood there in her flannel pajamas, eyes red-rimmed but dry now.

"What do you want, Perry?"

"I brought you more cocoa... and I wanted to ask you" – his voice dropped – "why on Earth are you bandaging your chest?"

She moved aside and let him in.

"Don't close the door, or Mom will accuse me of trying to seduce you." Her tone was bitter.

They sat on the window bench facing each other, mugs in hand.

"So why – ?"

She cut him off with an upraised hand. "I don't have to tell you anything Perry."

He could see in her eyes that there would be no explanation forthcoming if he insisted. "Fine. But I will be checking you for bandages from now on."

Candace was aghast. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, I'm not going to perv on you or anything like that; I'm not Irving. But I will slide a hand along your back at random moments, and believe me I'll tell Mom about it if I ever catch you playing mummy again."

"You're not the boss of me!" she hissed.

"No. No, I'm not. Still, binding yourself like that can't be good." Perry thought for a moment and added, "If you keep it up you might not be able to nurse Xavier and Amanda when you have them."

Candace's eyes filled with tears. Perry knew he had won the argument, but it pained him to see her hurting.

He took her hand in both of his and knelt at her feet. "Candace, I care about you... and whatever else, I know you're not a liar. I just don't understand why Mom wouldn't believe me when I corroborated what you told her."

"Because she hates me." She closed her eyes trying to keep any more tears from emerging, but they spilled down her cheeks. "She blames me for... for him leaving her."

"What do you mean 'Him leaving her'? Candy... what happened?"

"I was five years old... Mom and Grandma Betty Jo came home early one day... and found Phineas' father molesting me."

 

* * *

 

Candace lay in her bed, dozing. As much as she'd tried, she couldn't remember anything between slipping and falling, and when Perry had called to her as he brushed snow and ice away from her face. Her ribs told her she'd landed hard, but the medication Dr. Hirano had ordered her dosed with with made the dull ache a minor bother.

Regular pain medications having run out – her mother had "forgotten" to resupply – Candace had taken a triple dose of cough syrup. She felt pleasantly woozy, enough that the emotional pain was also dulled.

Grounded for a month and a half, for something that hadn't happened. Even with Stacy, Isabella and her brothers corroborating what Perry had related, her mother had still called her a liar and punished her. It wasn't fair at all.

Her major worry now was whether Perry would betray her secret. She would have to stop binding her breasts until he forgot to check her. Hopefully he'd give up after a while.

Any other boy would have either made fun of her or demanded something for his silence... but Perry wasn't exactly a boy, was he?

No, Perry was a man. A very good-looking young man, too. His body was a bit on the stocky side, well-muscled, and warm. He was strong enough to carry her upstairs, and considerate enough to hide the bandages under his clothes instead of hers. He was – surprisingly – attracted to her but was a gentleman through and through. Even though he got so hard while he held her upright in the shower, he hadn't tried to make her feel it, but wanted to hide it instead.

She'd cried in his arms as she told him what that horrid man had done to her, and he'd only stroked her hair and kissed her forehead as he held her.

Perry made her feel safe.

Candace sighed, pulled a full-body-length pillow out from the bottom of the pile on the floor and snuggled up with it, wondering how it would feel if it were Perry in bed with her.

Stacy had told her about having sex with Coltrane at his house. Candace hadn't been able to comprehend how Stacy or any other girl could want to do that... until now. The very thought of having sex, herself, had always sickened her. She'd never let Jeremy tongue-kiss her, much less made out with him. She had tried, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't even touch herself down there, not in that way; the memories of eleven years ago had been too awful.

Now, however... the memory of Perry's hands on her body, of feeling him wanting her while she'd been pressed against him in the shower, made her think a little differently. Her new-found awareness of Perry's desire for her made her body ache pleasantly.

Her last thought before falling asleep was the wish that it had been Perry in bed with her for real.

 

* * *

 

Perry had thought he could never hate anyone the way he had hated Dr. Doofenshmirtz when he saw the evil scientist trash the People-Matic before Perry could be turned back into a platypus. Well, a human-platypus hybrid, but he had been sure Phineas and Ferb could have found a solution to that minor annoyance. Instead, making him permanently human had left Perry embittered and nursing a grudge.

That hate paled into insignificance compared to what he now felt for Phineas' biological father. The man had molested a child who could not defend herself, had terrified her into submission with threats against her mother and baby brother, and had even had the gall to deny what he was doing when caught red-handed. Literally red-handed; he wore a size thirteen ring and Candace had bled as he forced his finger into her.

Betty Jo Flynn had called the police immediately. The man had been arrested and arraigned but released on bail. He had then returned to the house, beaten Linda until she was barely conscious and left town. Nobody had heard from him since... but Perry knew now who the man was.

Even after eleven years Linda Flynn kept denying that her former boyfriend had been molesting Candace. While Perry could understand someone not wanting to face an unpleasant truth, her insistence on Candace having been the instigator of what had happened was beyond his comprehension.

He could see now how all this had had an effect on Candace. Her obsession with busting Phineas and Ferb sprang from their mother's refusal to face a horrible reality, and bandaging her breasts flat kept her from being sexually noticeable... but now that she was a teenager and interested in boys it was counterproductive. It also posed a real risk of damage to her still-developing body.

The worst part of it all was that Perry was now extremely physically aware of her. He had been a gentleman, of course, had held her close as she wept, stroking her hair and kissing her forehead once she had calmed down, because it had been what his Candy had needed.

What Perry had wanted was another thing entirely.

What he needed now was someone to talk to, and the only adults he could trust with the matter were his nemesis - and his nemesis' wife.


	4. In the Enemy's Lab- errrrr, Kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to [The Great Danville Cold Wars](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4374251)

Perry saw Norm cruising up the street toward the Doofenshmirtz house late in the morning. That meant Terry and Doof were back. Perry wondered whether they would be up to anything evil, then decided it was much too soon for it. He knew himself well enough to figure out that Terry would want to get a few things straightened out before getting down to any real work.

He also knew  _exactly_  how long it took Doof to get a batch of apple strudel ready and timed himself accordingly.

The delightful scent of apple and cinnamon-filled pastry wafted into Perry's nose as he stepped up to the kitchen door. He considered busting the door in as was his habit, then discarded the idea and knocked.

A scratchy tenor sang out, "It's open!"

Perry stepped in and stopped in his tracks, trying  _really_  hard to keep from laughing. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was in his usual garb of dark pants, deepest-black turtleneck sweater and spotless white lab coat... but over all that he wore a frilly, bright-pink apron that read " _Kiss the Cook!_ "and a pair of purple silicon oven mitts to hold a baking pan loaded with the source of that mouth-wateringly wonderful aroma.

"Oh, it's you, Perry the Person." He saw the young man's expression. "What?"

Perry bit his lip. "Nothiiinnnngg..." It was  _so_  hard to keep it in!

His nemesis tapped his foot impatiently. "Say it!"

Perry managed to keep it to a snicker. "That apron... it makes you look like Mr. Mom."

Doof's look was sour. "Yeah, well," he raised his voice so it would carry to the family room, " _it was the only clean apron I had on hand, since all the rest are_ _ **still dirty**_ _!_ "

A boy's voice yelled in reply. "I had a big school project, okay?"

Doof shouted back, _"That doesn't explain why you couldn't launder the other seven aprons!"_ He put the pan on the counter and turned back to Perry. "Keep smirking like that and it's no strudel for you!"

That threat got Perry sobered up in a hurry. "Sorry."

"So what brings you here, Perry the Person?" Doof took off the apron and hung it up on a hook by the refrigerator. "I haven't had time to be evil, we only just got back."

"I know you haven't... but... I need someone to talk to."

Doofenshmirtz raised an eyebrow at that. "By 'someone', do you mean me or do you mean your other self?"

Perry dropped his coat and hat over the back of a kitchen chair. "Either. Both. It doesn't matter." He flopped rather than sat into another chair. "All I know is that I'm going insane."

A husky female voice chimed in. "I don't think we were ever completely sane to begin with, or we'd have quit the Agency a long time ago."

Doof beamed. "Oh, there you are,  _Geliebte._ "

The young woman who had just arrived was a couple of inches shorter than Perry, but carried herself with an easy self-assurance that – along with the fedora she was taking off as she came in – marked her as a fellow Agent. In fact, she outranked him. She was Special Agent Terry Fletcher; Perry's half-identical twin and Heinz Doofenshmirtz's second wife.

Where Perry's hair was teal, with a snow-white patch that marked a scar just above his hairline, hers was lightest blonde. Her eyes were soft brown like Perry's and her facial features were only slightly more delicate than his. Her mind was also almost identical to Perry's, since his brain wave patterns and all his memories up to two days after the previous Labor Day had been deliberately copied into her artificial body's blank-slate brain.

It was when Perry and Terry had been fused together, their minds almost consolidating, that Perry had discovered that Doofenshmirtz had created her as his intended lover. To his horrified surprise, his female copy had actually consented and even worse, had fallen in love with and married the man Perry was sworn to stop from taking over the Ti-State Area.

That memory prompted his response. "That I  _didn't_  go insane after fusing with you was a fluke."

She nodded her agreement. It had been a close call for both. "We were lucky then. How come your luck ran out now?"

"I... well... there's this... girl..." Perry suddenly felt reluctant to say anything.

Doofenshmirtz squealed delightedly. "Ooh! Perry has a girl-friend! Perry has a girl-friend!" He lightly entwined his fingers and laid his hands against his cheek, batting his eyelashes. "I wonder who she could be-ee!"

The singsong tone got on Perry's nerves instantly. "Shut up."

Terry grinned and joined in. "Ooh, a girlfriend! They're go-ing to the cha-pel and they're gon-na get ma-a-a-rrieed!"

Perry felt himself turning red. "You're  _not_  helping, Terry!"

"Perry... you're  _blushing_!" Her tone was outright girlish. He managed to suppress the urge to strangle her.

"I can see it now!" Doof exclaimed, spreading his hands as if setting a scene. "Our unflappable secret agent has finally met his DOOM!" was emphasized with a suddenly-clenched fist. "It came in the form of a lovely young woman," his hands sculpted curves in the air, "who has captured his heart, if not him physically."

"Ah, but what if she has?" Terry replied. "Perhaps she has a taste for bondage, not unlike someone I know." She twisted her husband's arm playfully behind his back and growled "I have you now!"

"Oh, no!" he cried in mock horror. "You're not going to... to...  _kiss_  me, are you?"

"Yes! Yes, I am! Muwahahahahah!"

"Noooo!"

She leered. "Yeeees!"

"Noooooo!" Doof pressed the back of his free hand to his forehead as Perry rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Yeeeeeeesssss! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Terry kissed Doof on the cheek and released him.

He blinked and straightened his lab coat. "Well,  _that_  was anticlimactic."

"Oh, you want more?" She grabbed his lapels and pulled him to her. " _Fine_ , you'll  _get_  more!"

The kissing got more involved, making Perry want to hurl. " _Will_  you two  _cut that out_? I'm having an existential crisis here and you're acting like a couple of hormonal teenagers!"

Doofenshmirtz glared at his frienemy, long arms still wrapped around his wife. "Really, Perry the Person! Why are you so uptight?"

Perry's lips twitched, wishing he had words to explain.

It was Terry who found them for him. "It's not uptight-ness, Heinz." Her brown eyes were soft with sudden understanding. "It's envy."

Perry slumped forward and silently, hurtingly, began to cry.

Doofenshmirtz and Terry exchanged worried looks. If Perry was crying where his nemesis could see it, the emotional toll the situation was taking on him had to be tremendous.

It was the older man who put his hand on Perry's shoulder and asked "What is it, Perry?"

He wiped his face angrily with a sleeve and stared at the wall. He noticed Terry placing a mug of coffee and a plate of strudel in front of him but his thoughts were trying to get themselves in some kind of order. Doof turned a chair backward and straddled it, his chin on his arms that were folded over the back rail.

After a moment Perry found his voice again. "It's... it's  _wrong_. What _I_  feel is  _wrong_." He looked down at the table "She's too young for me, she has  _serious_  issues, she doesn't even  _think_  about me in that way... and all _I_  can think about is clubbing her over the head, dragging her off to my room and screwing her silly."

Doofenshmirtz answered first. "I see... The question is, is it just physical attraction or is it something more?" He gave Perry a pointed look. "It's one thing to want to get laid; it's something completely different when you start thinking of baby names."

Perry's distracted reply was "Xavier, Amanda and Fred..."

Terry spewed her coffee so violently it hit Perry in the eye. He screamed and she choked, while Doof tried his best to not explode in laughter as he went to get the paper towels and saline eye wash.

Once the pseudo-twins had finished swearing at each other and recovered a semblance of normalcy, Doofenshmirtz looked at his wife and asked "Why the surprise?"

She glared at him, then turned the glare toward Perry. "Because those are the names Candace has already picked out for her children! Well, Xavier and Amanda, anyway. Fred's a new one to me."

The evil scientist tilted his head in surprise. "Isn't Candace your..."

"Stepsister? Yes," Terry grumbled, "which opens up a whole new can of platypus food."

Doof blinked twice, then made a face. "You guys eat  _worms_?"

Terry gritted her teeth. " _Focus_ , Doofenshmirtz. Perry's in love with the worst possible choice of girl. I shouldn't be surprised at all, really; it makes perfect sense." She took another swig of coffee.

"Makes  _sense_?" Perry was offended. "It's bad enough that I have the hots for her, but how can I be  _in love_  with  _Candace_?"

Doof asked "Why wouldn't you be?"

"Right off the top of my head? She's self-centered, petty, cranky, obsessive, laughs maniacally and has really poor planning skills."

Terry smiled at her brother over her mug and said "In other words, she is  _exactly_  our type."

After a moment's though Perry turned pale. "Oh... my... god... she  _is_  'our' type!" and his forehead went 'whack!' on the table as he put his head down on it.

Doof blinked a couple of times. "What do you mean by she's... HEY!"

Terry smirked and kissed him. "I love you, too, dear."

Whatever reply Doofenshmirtz had was cut off before it began by a little voice squealing " _Uncle Pewwy!_ "

Perry turned with the first real smile he had displayed since he'd arrived. "Poptart!"

A tiny brown-braided tornado launched itself at his outstretched arms. "Uncle Pewwy! Uncle Pewwy! I wanna piggyback wide!"

He picked the little girl up and hugged her. "All right, but it's going to cost you!"

The toddler's eyes sparkled, two large sapphires in the sun. "Smoochies!" she cried, and covered his face with kisses, making the usually stoic secret agent chuckle.

"Okay, enough, you win! I'll give you your ride!" Perry gave his sister and his nemesis an apologetic look. Doof grinned at him, while Terry simply said "We'll go on later. You might as well stay for lunch; Cherry will never forgive you otherwise."

"Oh, all  _right_..." Perry's reluctance didn't fool anyone. He swung the child up onto his shoulders and warned her, "Watch out for doorways, Poptart!"

Little Cherry squeaked in glee and waved an arm wildly at her parents as her uncle carried her out of the kitchen toward the family room.


	5. Let's Make a Deal

It wasn't until Cherry was put down for her post-lunch nap that Perry could finally continue his conversation with Terry and Doof. Peter went off to play at the Flynn-Fletcher house, and Vanessa claimed she had homework to finish, which left the adults free to speak openly.

"So, Perry the Person, what are you going to do?" Doofenshmirtz asked over his latest mug of coffee. "Do you need any romantic advice?" He brightened and straightened up. "I know just the thing for you to win your girl's heart! The Romance-inator!"

Perry had to bite his lip to not laugh at his sister's expression. Doofenshmirtz saw it too.

"Oh, no, I've spoiled the surprise! I was saving that for Valentine's Day, now that I actually have a reason to celebrate it."

_As usual,_ Perry thought to himself, _Doof picked up on an expression but took it to mean something else entirely. Consider it part of your punishment for siding with him, Terry._

The older man went on oblivious to the platy-person's smirk. "It's got all the trimmings! Chocolates, roses, champagne – although Candace is too young to drink... but alcohol has always been the best way to get into a girl's underpants, not that _I_ ever had any luck with that... there was a _Fraulein_ back in Drueselstein, I met her after Huge Hands Hans stole my former _Fraulein_ – I told you that back story, right? - and this new _Fraulein_ wasn't interested in shadow puppets, she liked -" he went on and on for several minutes.

Terry's palm was firmly glued to her face the entire time.

" - and _that's_ why I only buy thornless roses, even though they have no scent at all."

Perry took a deep breath and huffed, "That was all _very_ interesting, Doof, but that's not really what I'm here for."

Doofenshmirtz looked at him with confusion. "But didn't you come here because you needed to talk about how you feel about the girl of your dreams?"

"I did, at first; mostly because I needed to straighten out my own thoughts. Now that I spoke to you guys I've managed to get my head back into some kind of order... so I need you to do something for me, Heinz."

"Do something for my nemesis?" The gleeful smile was accompanied by a thoroughly villainous rubbing of hands. "You do understand that I'm contractually obligated to milk this for everything I can get, right? Having your nemesis owe you one is about as good as it gets when you're evil. All right, Perry the Person, what is it you want?"

"I want you to turn me back into a platypus."

Terry blinked and murmured, "This would normally be where we go to commercial break."

Perry looked blankly at her. "What?"

"Nothing," was her hurried reply.

Doof looked at Perry speculatively. "So you want to return to five years of _status quo_?"

"Well, yes. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I don't particularly like being human. I miss being semi-aquatic, I miss my sense of electrolocation, and I miss being able to go about on all fours."

"No, no, that's fine," Doof replied with a placating hand-wave. "I understand, and I can't say I don't miss your old form. I'm used to fighting you from the high ground... but why _should_ I help you?" he finished with a smirk.

After another hour of Perry cajoling, pleading, whining, outright threats, and finally throwing a full-on hissy fit – which Terry would never let him live down, he was certain of it – Doofenshmirtz finally agreed to rebuild the People-Matic. He had already salvaged most of it and had been comparing the actual item to the late Arturo Diaz-Moreau's electronic notes. Doof was certain rebuilding would take only a few days once a few more parts arrived in the mail.

Perry took his leave and left for home, praying _Terry,_ please _keep Doof on track and don't let him mess anything up more than usual – no, don't let him mess up_ at all. _I can't afford him to._

* * *

The next several days were excruciating for Perry. His lust for Candace – he refused to admit it was anything more – was driving him to distraction. The only thing that worked even partially was avoiding her.

He locked himself into his hideout, refusing to emerge until Phineas and Ferb demanded he come out. It was taco night and they insisted he eat with the family. They also deactivated all his codes so he couldn't lock himself in again.

Eating provided an excellent opportunity to keep from speaking. Apparently Candace felt the same, since she chewed slowly and barely spoke more than two dozen words during dinner. Breakfast the following morning was even more tense between them, but somehow nobody else seemed to notice.

Even though they were barely speaking, they kept bumping into each other. Perry started picking more and stranger hiding places to avoid her. Behind the sofa was too dusty for him to spend more than five minutes without sneezing, so he migrated to under the dinner table. That lasted two hours, until Linda invited Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro over for tea and planning sets for their next gig.

The top of the refrigerator was out of the question, so Perry tried the bathroom cabinet. The roaches drove him out, with matches for torches and cocktail skewers in lieu of pitchforks. He made a mental note to call the exterminator come next payday as he fled.

In the garage there wasn't any spot large enough to hold him, and he couldn't access Candace's panic room. The Candroid was probably still there, anyway.

After several hours he found a nice spot, not too dusty, no annoying creatures to contend with, and roomy enough for him to stretch out. He lay back and sighed, finally at ease until a door slammed and he heard Candace's voice.

" – and he's been avoiding me ever since! I don't know what his problem is, Stace, but I swear I didn't do anything and... No, I had no idea! Is it really that obvious? Jeremy's never said anything to me!"

To Perry's horror he realized he'd hidden under Candace's bed. He was stuck there for who knew how long. The bed creaked just above his face as she flopped onto it.

After a few seconds she went on prattling on the phone. "Well! If he thinks I'm just going to put out he's got another think coming! Besides, all I'd have to do is tell my brothers and they'd straighten him right out." Pause. "Of course I'm including him!" Pause. "Ooh, I see what it is! You like him _that way_ , don't you!" Pause. "Oh don't you lie to _me_ , Stacy Hirano! I've seen the way you look at him! But you're going to have to work at it, he's kind of stubborn." Another longer pause. "Well, if you need to make an impression, we can go to the Googleplex Mall this weekend, there's a "buy one, get one free" at MacAllister's, and I know you know you look _fabulous_ in their stuff, but what do we do about shoes?"

Perry groaned inwardly and covered his ears, not wanting to hear any more. He was trapped, and would have to wait for Candace to either go to the bathroom or fall asleep.

He spent three more hours under the bed, trying to not tear his hair out at the circular conversation of teenage girls – a conversation he could only hear one side of.

* * *

A week after the last visit Perry dropped by the Doofenshmirtz household to see how things were going. He found his opposite-sex clone with her nose in a romance novel.

"A _Harlequin Romance_ two-for-one? Seriously?"

She simply looked him in the eye and said "I have a toddler. I can't watch soap operas like WE used to."

"Touche. So where's Doof?"

"In the lab working on some ointment. We're still waiting on a capacitor cluster, it wasn't in stock when Heinz put the order in."

"I see. Thanks, me." Perry tipped his hat to her and turned to leave when they heard the noise.

Terry got up from her reading. "Did someone come with you?"

Perry shook his head and motioned for her to listen. Something large was moving in the ventilation ducts. They stopped under a vent hoping to get a look when the unmistakably carnivore scent hit them.

The only thing Perry could think was _Oh, shit._

The creature passed over them and kept moving.

Terry broke into a run, Perry close behind.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz was humming softly to himself as he made up a new batch of Insta-Heal ointment in preparation for his next encounters with Perry the Platypus. He'd stumbled onto the formula a few years back, during his backpacking trip to Europe right after his divorce. That little matter with the Ambassador's wife hadn't been all bad; it had led him to create _this_.

Some wounds took longer to heal than others; still, Heinz figured that without Insta-Heal's antibiotic and anti-scarring properties he'd probably make Freddy Kruger look like Adonis by now.

Heinz had discovered over years of experimentation that one of the few things that _didn't_ affect the formula was adding fragrances to it. The last batch before this he'd divided into two batches. The larger one was mostly fern with a touch of lavender for himself, and a smaller quantity was scented sandalwood and roses for Vanessa's use. This time he would make some for Terry as well, scented with jasmine and musk.

He was actually looking forward to have Terry patch him up and rub the ointment into his skin. He shivered a little in anticipation of her touch.

The shiver turned into a shudder as he felt someone's eyes on the back of his neck. A whiff of rankness told him this _wasn't_ Perry the Platy-person. He turned, looking for the source of the smell, and his blood ran cold as he saw a pair of yellow eyes looking at him from the vent.

" _HEINZ! **GET OUT OF THE LAB!** "_

Terry's warning shout snapped him out of his trance. He threw himself to the floor as the vent cover burst outward and a huge black shape launched itself at his head.


	6. This Was No Accident

The big cat missed Doofenshmirtz by inches as he dropped to the floor. It landed on the work table and knocked most of the equipment and chemicals off, turning to look for its intended prey.

He scrambled for cover under the table. The cat rumbled and casually swiped at him, catching Heinz along one arm and his ribcage. "GAAAH!"

He heard the door get kicked open.

" _ **BAD**_ _KITTY!_ Perry, get Heinz out!"

The young man dove under the table to get to his nemesis. Doofenshmirtz was gasping in pain, blood from the slash staining his lab coat. Perry decided it wasn't too serious and dragged the fake doctor out by the collar. He tossed the man out the door and yanked it shut, catching a glimpse of Terry launching herself at the huge feline, the first weapons she had found - a pair of steak knives from their lunch - in each hand.

They had always preferred the direct approach.

Perry hoped she was good enough a fighter in human form to get away from the... leopard? Or jaguar?

It didn't matter; she would be fighting for her life.

* * *

The sounds from the lab were hair-raising; glass shattering, large meaty thuds, wood splintering. An angry roar and Terry yelling _"Why won't you fucking DIE?"_ More smashing glass and wood, a shriek of pure agony... more glass breaking, followed by an even more frightening silence.

From her entry into the lab to the last tinkle of glass it had been less than two minutes.

Doofenshmirtz groaned and got up. "Perry the Person... in my medicine cabinet. There's a white glass jar... no label, red lid. Make a dozen copies in the Copy-and-Paste-inator. Hurry."

Perry figured that if it was in the medicine cabinet it couldn't be evil so he complied. When he got back, Doofenshmirtz was taking a large first-aid kit from another cabinet. He pulled his lab coat and turtleneck off, revealing to Perry four deep parallel slashes on his rib cage that were bleeding steadily. There was a smaller set on his arm.

Perry helped his nemesis rinsed the wounds out with saline solution. "Doof... I think it cut you to the bone. Shit, I think it cut _into_ the bone."

Doofenshmirtz didn't speak again until he had bandaged his arm and started on his ribs. "Perry .. I need your help here. I can't reach that far back. Just... put some ointment into the cuts, all the way in... yes, there. Now the gauze... help me wrap the bandage around."

"Are you sure this is enough? You got clawed by a big cat!"

"I'll be _fine_ ," Doffenshmirtz gritted through his teeth. "This is Insta-Heal ointment. Let's get Terry."

Perry motioned to Doofenshmirtz to let him look in first. He carefully pushed the door open and growled softly. The laboratory was in shambles. Two stools had been smashed to kindling, shattered glass lay everywhere, puddles of chemicals lay bubbling in some spots, smoking in others. There was a sickening smell of perfume and vomit.

The worst reek of all was from the blood spattered all over the place. There was also a rivulet of blood coming from behind the main work table. Perry and Doofenshmirtz looked at each other, swallowed hard, and carefully stepped over to find the source.

* * *

The big cat was definitely dead. It was sprawled motionless on its side in a slowly spreading puddle of blood, with Terry curled up into herself, lying halfway across its hip. There was a steak knife buried to the hilt in the beast's shoulder, and what looked like a stool's broken-off leg protruding from just behind its ribcage.

What had actually killed it, however, was the source of the vomit smell: a flask of hydrochloric acid had been shoved down its throat.

Perry took his hat off in respect as tears came to his eyes. Was she...?

A small whimper told them Terry was still alive.

Doofenshmirtz knelt, oblivious to the blood. " _Geliebte_... I'm here... hang on, Terry."

He turned her over, but she remained curled around her stomach, obviously protecting a bad wound. Her eyes flew open, full of pain and fear.

When she saw his face the fear was replaced by a wave of relief. The pain in her eyes never wavered. "Oh," she moaned, "you're safe..." Her hand drifted up and she gently stroked his cheek, leaving bloody streaks behind.

"Yes, _Geliebte_ , now let me see. Please."

She whimpered again, the sound a dagger in his heart. "Did... did he gut me...?"

That was his fear as well. He sighed in relief as he checked. "No, he didn't." He picked her up in his arms like a child.

"Oh... that's good." She closed her eyes and sank into unconsciousness.

* * *

Perry had busied himself cleaning off the work surface. Doofenshmirtz gave him a look of wordless thanks and lay her on it, cutting off what was left of her blood-soaked dress to start tending to her wounds. The man and the platypus both gasped in astonishment at what she had survived.

The cat had used both back paws to rake her belly as she shoved the acid flask into its mouth in a frontal attack. It hadn't eviscerated her, but it had come terrifyingly close. Had it been the much sharper front claws it would have killed her outright.

She also had multiple cuts and lacerations, several with glass and wood splinters embedded in them, deep gouges from where the cat had clawed her (including a nasty one down her face that had miraculously missed her left eye), puncture wounds from the cat's teeth on both forearms and just above one ankle, and an acid burn covered the greater part of one hand. Terry had obviously made damn sure the big black cat couldn't get the flask out of its maw before the effect of the nearly pure acid incapacitated it enough for her to break the hold it had on her.

"Perry the Platyperson... I want you to take pictures."

Perry looked at him incredulously. "What on earth for?"

"It's not for me. It's for Carl. He probably doesn't know about it but... what was it anyway, a leopard or a jaguar? Well, I want him to see what it was and what it was wearing."

Another questioning look from Perry. "It was _wearing_ something?"

"Look over there by the wall, just under the vent."

Perry looked. To his horror he saw a hat.

It was a brown fedora.

* * *

It took Perry and Doofenshmirtz two hours to photograph, clean, anoint, stitch and bandage all of Terry's wounds. She regained consciousness once, when they were almost done, but didn't say a word. All she did was turn her head to look at the dead mountain of black fur. After a while she smiled smugly and closed her eyes again.

When they were done, Perry stepped over to the now-cold hulk, growling. Being human kept him from what he really wanted to do so he settled for spitting in its eye.

"I can appreciate the sentiment, Perry the Platy- eh, Person... but that's just disgusting."

Perry growled "Be glad I'm not still a platypus then," and reset his hat on his head. He picked up a pair of wire-cutting pliers and went to work on the big cat. He spoke again, keeping his back to Doofenshmirtz so the older man couldn't see what he was up to. "It's a melanistic jaguar, male and intact. If this fellow really was an agent he would have been an _extremely_ dangerous and unpredictable one." His voice dropped to almost a whisper as he continued. "OWCA agents are usually neutered young." In a more normal tone he finished by saying, "You want his scrotum for a coin purse?"

Doofenshmirtz shuddered. "I'll pass." Perry the Person could amuse himself all he wanted desecrating that corpse, but it seemed much too evil for what Heinz knew of Perry - and pointless, to boot. He carefully picked Terry up and carried her to their bedroom. Once there he gently tucked her in and lay on top of the comforter next to her, watching her for any sign of consciousness. He didn't feel tired, strangely enough.

He was asleep in less than five minutes.


	7. Believe none of what you hear...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Here it is! A new chapter of OaFP! And it only took me _nine months_ to crank it out!**
> 
> **I blame my (extremely complex and downright addictive) roleplay chat sessions. It absorbed all of my creativity during its second year of life.**
> 
> **Now that my evenings are free again, I'm back in the game. Carry on!**

Doofenshmirtz woke up with a start when he felt movement. He looked at the clock and realized he'd been out of it for well over an hour. He looked around and saw Perry the Platy- _the Person_ , he reminded himself, sitting at Terry's feet.

Perry made his usual chittering noise, which Doofenshmirtz found strangely comforting.

"Has she woken up?”

Perry shook his head. “Not that I know of. Doof, I just go off the line with Carl. OWCA is taking the cat's body in to make sure, but he confirmed the hat _wasn't_ one of ours...” he bit his lip and looked aside.

Doofenshmirtz straightened up carefully, not wanting to disturb the wounded woman next to him. “What are you not telling me?”

“What makes you say that?” The teal-haired youth wouldn't meet his eyes.

“You know, Perry the Person, as an Agent you're one of the best, but you're a really bad liar. Even _I_ can tell when you don't want to tell me something.”

Perry huffed in obvious annoyance, making the white lock of hair billow. “Why should I have to tell you _everything_? Just because _you_ tell _me_ everything? Including stuff I'd be much happier _not_ knowing?”

"I'd be doing the same thing, you know...” Terry's voice made them both turn. “I need water... my mouth tastes like the bottom of the Danville M.O.A.T. at low tide.”

Heinz helped her take a drink from the carafe and glass he'd set nearby. He was ecstatic that she was awake, but her pallor reminded him of how much blood she had lost. “How are you feeling, _Geliebte_?”

"Like I got run over... oh, wait, I _did_ get run over, by a Jaguar. Did someone get the license number?”

"Very funny. Now go back to sleep.”

"No. I can't stay in bed.” She attempted to get up and failed. “Crap. I'm as weak as a hatchling.”

"Are you out of your _mind_? You almost got killed by a – a jaguar, you say? You came close to _dying_ less than four hours ago! You shouldn't even be conscious! There is _no_ way I am letting you out of bed.”

Perry growled in agreement. “You can't be fighting _all_ the time. There's two of us now, remember?”

Terry sighed in defeat. “Will you at least help me sit up?”

A few minutes later Terry was looking at a gravy boat half full of a vile-looking fluid that Doof had brought in. “What the hell is that?”

“It's basically a protein shake with added antibiotics. Finish this one now or you'll get nothing else _but_ this for a week.”

She gave him one of her usual lidded stares. “You served it up in a gravy boat.”

Heinz snorted. “Oh, come on! I've seen you drink right out of the juice pitcher when you thought nobody was around.” Perry snickered in amusement while Terry had the good grace to look sheepish. “With how hurt your hands are, it's easier for you to drink out of this than a glass, anyway.”

She took a long pull, then pushed it away grimacing. “Oh, that's _disgusting_.”

Doof grinned. “Of course it tastes awful! That's how you know it's good for you!”

Terry made another face. “You are an evil man, have I ever told you that?” She drank as fast as she could, managing not to gag more than once.

He grinned. “Why yes, yes I am.”

“Uughhh... _gross_. Curse you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz.” She looked at Perry. “What's the news from HQ?”

Perry mumbled an unintelligible reply. Doof translated. “Apparently that hat's not from OWCA, so Carl is looking into things.”

Another mumble made Doof pause. “What did you say?”

Perry spoke up, clearly disturbed. “It seems something's going on with Monogram. Carl didn't specify but he didn't sound too worried. I'll find out more in a while. You rest up.”

Doofenshmirtz tucked Terry in to let her rest then followed after Perry. He caught up to the teal-haired young man before he could leave and grabbed him by the arm. “Oh no you _don't_!”

Perry looked down at Doof's hand on his arm. “You have two seconds to let go before I hurt you, Doofenshmirtz.”

“That's just business as usual isn't it?” He let go, anyway. “I told you, you're a bad liar. You can fool Terry, since it's the same as fooling yourself. Me... maybe before.” He made puppy-dog eyes at his frienemy. “Pretty please, Perry the Person? With whipped cream and doonkleberry sauce?”

Perry rolled his eyes and Doof silently added a mental tally mark in his favor to their running score.

“Fine. Just... don't tell her yet.”

Doof grinned and crossed his fingers behind his back. “Of course not!”

Perry's next words shocked Doofenshmirtz out of his complacency.

“Monogram... well, he's... somehow... managed to... well... he's escaped.”

* * *

 

Perry slipped into the Flynn-Fletcher house in the late afternoon, feeling drained. He hadn't wanted Doof to know about Monogram's escape, but with Terry out of commission for at least a few days there hadn't been any better options. Doofenshmirtz had grilled him for half an hour.

That had been the good part.

Terry had come down then, had heard what was going on, and _her_ interrogation had been every bit as meticulous as Perry’s own would have been. He felt like a freshly-wrung washcloth.

_At least they're protected now_ , Perry mused. Carl had sent Agents S, C and R over to keep an eye on the Doofenshmirtz house while Terry recovered. That left Perry with some free time to fill.

He went looking for Candace, for no reason he could think of except that he _needed_ to see her.

Stopping at her bedroom door he raised his hand to knock – and paused as he heard her laugh.

Perry pressed his ear to the crack between the doorframe and the wall, blushing in shame as he eavesdropped on Candace. She was obviously on the phone with someone. _Likely Stacy, as usual_ , he smiled to himself.

“Well, _of course_ you should wear red, it'll be Valentine's Day!" she giggled. "Red is _soooo_ romantic!” After few seconds' pause to listen, her tone changed. “Uh, yeah... he hasn't told me what we'll be doing for Valentine's Day. I don't _know_ what's going on. Do you think he’s planning something, like, _extra special_?” Another pause. “But... what if he wants to… um… well… you know... go _all the way_?”

Perry's blood ran ice-cold, then boiling-hot at the thought of Jeremy pawing at Candace. _I’ll cut the little punk's balls off with an offset spatula if he even **thinks** of getting fresh with Candy_ , he promised mentally.

Her voice snapped him out of his murderous fantasies. “Well it's not gonna happen, anyway, he's not... not like _that_. He's a _gentleman_.” Another short silence. “You're _sure_ he feels that way?”

Perry’s heart sank at her next words. “Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to put out _once_ …”

He stepped away, not wanting to hear any more. _What’s the point?_ he asked himself bitterly. _She doesn’t think of me the way I think of her, anyway… Curse you, Dr. Doofenshmirtz; **curse you** a thousand times for making me human! I can’t wait to be a platypus again!_

He managed to not stumble down the stairs as he went to take refuge in his underground base.

Taking his frustrations out on practice drones didn’t make him feel better any more. All it did was leave him tired.

Tired was fine with him - for now.

* * *

 

“You're _sure_ it will work?” Terry studied the rebuilt People-Matic skeptically. It looked fine. The problem was that _looking_ fine and _working_ fine were two completely different things when Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was involved.

Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes at her. “Of course it will! It _has_ to work, or Perry the Platypus will remain Perry the Person. _He_ doesn’t want that, and if _I’m_ to keep my _nemesis_ , I have to make sure he’s back to his normal self.” He checked the multimeter in his hand and grumbled something in German before continuing. “I wouldn’t change anything, _Geliebte_ , but he’s not happy with what he is now. That makes him unreliable - and by that I mean _completely_ reliable!”

The People-Matic lit up suddenly and hummed, the banks of LEDs flashing in sync with the base frequency of the vibrations. Terry stepped back cautiously. “Heinz… is it supposed to make that noise?”

“Huh? Well, I guess so,” was the distracted reply. “Now, this wire connects _here_ … adjust the focus of the beam _there_ … now I just need to tighten the crystal's setting and-”

The People-matic flashed a bright beam right in Doof's face, then rattled, sputtered and spewed smoke before exploding, leaving parts scattered all over the floor.

Terry peered out from behind the sofa - she had dived behind it out of equal parts instinct and conditioned reflex - and looked at her husband.

Heinz was nowhere to be seen.

Terry leaped out from behind the sofa, swearing in a mix of English, platypus and German. She knew _intellectually_ he was tougher than he looked, but she wasn’t taking any chances. She had to find him and make sure he was all right.

A whimper from under the mangled hulk told her where he was. _“Heinz!”_  

She pushed, pulled and levered the twisted metal until she could see his cocoa-colored hair under his torn lab coat. Gripping the collar she dragged him away quickly, not trusting the machine to remain stable.

“Unhhh… _Geliebte_?” Doofenshmirtz’s voice sounded strange.

She got him behind the sofa, making sure they were safely behind it before taking a good look at what the People-Matic had done to her husband.

“Oh... _oh, **crap**_ **.** ”

  



	8. ... and only half of what you see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: I discovered tumblr. This is both good and bad. The bad: it takes up too much time. The good: a tumblr friend gave me the prompt that broke through my writer's block! YAY!
> 
> The story is going to get darker and darker before we see any light, so be prepared.

 

* * *

 

 

Perry's phone rang in the middle of a very erotic dream involving both Candace _and_ Stacy. He started, almost fell out of bed, and cursed as he picked up without checking the caller ID.

"You better have a _real_ good reason for waking me up," he growled.

Terry's tearful voice brought him to full wakefulness. "Perry… please… come over… it's Heinz!"

Her tone was so distraught Perry didn't bother to ask anything. "I'll be right over!" he promised, and started looking for his pants.

 

* * *

_***Danville Park - midnight, twelve years later*** _

"Are you sure this is going to work?" The mousy-haired teen fidgeted as she passed tools and components. "They'll kill us if we get caught!"

The other girl barely glanced at her friend from under her spiky bangs. "They'll kill us sooner or later, anyway. They didn't even let your sister grow old enough to hit puberty, remember?"

The first girl shrank away as if she'd been stuck with a whip. "I… I know… but I'm still scared. Especially because me and Drew… if they find out… what will they do to us?"

The second girl gritted her teeth, concentrating on the contraption she was putting together rather than shoving a sock into her assistant's mouth. "You _don't_ want to know. Trust me, being a Captain's pet means you hear _way_ more than you want to." She looked up for a moment, the indigo eyes boring into sad green ones. "That's why we have to make this _work_ , Drear. We have to set right what went wrong."

Drear hissed, "You think it all went to pot because _your_ father disappeared on you guys?"

"Not just my Dad! My uncle, too! I bet if we can find out what happened to them we can stop all _this_ -" she waved her arm around, "from happening!"

Before Drear could say another word a boy of about sixteen came running over. "I just heard over the radio, they're coming. With dogs."

The girl working on the machine paled. "Dogs…?"

He nodded. "You have to hurry up, Cher, or we're fucked."

Cher's hands started shaking. "I hate dogs," she muttered, trying to finish her work. "I can't finish on my own… Drew, get down here and make sure all the bolts are tight."

Drew got down and did as he was asked. The pace of their work increased noticeably, while Drear kept watch for anyone approaching.

After what felt like mere seconds, the baying of dogs became audible in the distance. Lights flashed, reflecting diffusely off of concrete walls sprayed with graffiti against the regime. Cher cursed under her breath, knowing how short their time was."It's as good as it's going to get. Hop in!"

Drear blanched. "You're not going to test it?"

Drew picked her up and half-shoved, half-tossed her into the rear seat of the contraption. "There's no time! We have to go now! It's captain Díaz heading them!"

Cher's swearing on hearing who headed the searchers blistered the remnants of pain on the machine's front. "Ok, time to get going!" She hit the switch - and nothing happened. "What the everloving _fuck_? It should be working! I calculated everything!"

Drew looked around and saw what the problem was. "There's a piece missing up on top!"

Cher took a look and yelled, "Dammit, Drear! I told you to take care of it! Where the hell is it?"

Drear knew her friend well enough to know panic was overtaking her as well. If Cher panicked, she made mistakes, and if Cher made a mistake now, they were going to wish for death for a long time before they actually got it. That thought cleared her head and she pulled an object shaped something like an antique lightbulb from her sleeve. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I forgot I had it!"

Drew looked at her incredulously for a moment before taking the bulb and setting it into place. "You forgot? How could you forget something so important?"

"I was in the middle of a panic attack thank you very much and in case you didn't know some people forget things when they're crapping their pants from fear!" Anger made Drear forget her fear just long enough to be functional. "Cher! Get a move on!"

The brown-braided girl nodded and worked the controls. The dials reset to a series of numbers and the machine began to glow as a dozen dogs and their handlers came rushing toward them.

They were led by a pale-skinned man in his middle twenties wearing a black uniform that was only a few shades darker than the circles under his eyes. "Don't let them get away!"

The handlers released the dogs, the animals launching themselves at the machine where the three teenagers sat. It flared brightly and disappeared, leaving the dogs to crash into each other in mid-air in a chorus of yelps and barks that quickly degenerated into a free-for-all dogfight.

The man with the dark undereye circles cursed at the dog handlers, at the dogs, and at the three teenagers who had escaped his grasp. He had suspected the slave was working on a teleportation device of some sort, but he had let her think she could get it built under his nose, waiting until the last moment to appropriate it as a weapon for his own ambitions. He'd meant to reward her by bringing her in to to serve him - both in and out of bed -, but she had now thwarted both his ambitions and his lust.

"You'll pop up sooner or later, Poptart… and when you do, you're _toast_ ," he promised under his breath. "I'm going to make sure you _never_ get away from me again."

 

* * *

 

It took Perry two tries to get his pants on without falling over, three fumbles with buttoning his shirt, one minute of cursing when he saw it was buttoned askew, and six pairs of socks tossed aside until he found the pair he wanted. He skipped the coat and headed straight for the tunnel to the Doofenshmirtz house his other self had had put in.

The only illumination came from the emergency lights spaced out along the walls and floor of the tunnel, and could see his breath as he jogged down the dark stretch, but it was faster than going the normal way. Something in Terry's tone had made him think secrecy was the better choice, as well.

He opened the hidden doorway behind the refrigerator and stepped out carefully. The kitchen was dark, but he knew his way around and headed to the living room. Stepping gingerly along the hardwood floor he called out, "Terry? Doof? Are you guys okay?"

A large heavy _someone_ slammed into Perry's back, knocking him to the floor face first. He barely managed to get his hands out to keep from smashing face-first into the floorboards, but was quick enough to roll over to get away from his attacker.

Said attacker landed on him heavily and began licking his face, whining and panting. "Ooh! Ooh! You're here! You came! Let's play! Let's play!"

He knew that voice, whether is was speaking English, German, or Dog. "Dammit, Doof, get this mutt off of me! Terry called me because…" he trailed off and sat up in shock as he realized he'd just heard Doofenshmirtz speaking in Dog. "The hell?"

Terry pulled the large mass off of Perry. "Something went wrong with the People-Matic, Perry. Heinz took the full discharge."

Heinz Doofenshmirtz yipped happily at Perry, his thick brown tail wagging furiously. "Perry's here! Let's go play fetch! I wanna play fetch!"

Perry's jaw dropped, hit the floor, and bounced away.

Doof had been turned into a big, scrawny, shaggy dog.


	9. Author's Note: Important Notice

The Once and Future Platypus is on hiatus until I can unravel the time-travel continuity snarl.

Thank you for understanding. Hopefully we'll be back before summer rolls around again!


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